Something has been bothering me since my last post.
The ending, to be specific.
It was the end of a long day--for me. But Dete went back to work for another four hours.
There is something I'm trying to work out in my head, and it's not working. Maybe it's because I'm too American, but I find my relationship with Dete difficult to fathom.
Rather, since I feel perfectly comfortable with her, maybe it's more my idea of the relationship I'm struggling with.
It mostly feels like we're friends, or colleagues--chatting while she sweeps or hangs laundry and I give Ju a bath in the back veranda.
But then there are the times when I hand him off to her so I can go to the beach or do some work upstairs.
Then it's harder to maintain the fiction that this is a reciprocal relationship in the same way other friendships are.
I'm not saying that I'm wracked with guilt or anything. Just that Dete occupies a large amount of my mental space--and not in a bad way. But I doubt that Brazilians devote as much thought to their empregadas or babás as I do.
We're actually trying to hire someone else to help out, too, partly to alleviate the burden on Dete. And because it's truly impossible for one person to do all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, plus childcare for a family with three little kids.
(Yes, I know people do it. I did it myself in the States. But that was with a dryer, a dishwasher, no ironing, and way lower standards of cleanliness.)
Anyway, we've found someone who will hopefully start working next week two or three days a week.
We'll see how it goes. I guess it should make things easier.
And--who knows?--maybe more complicated, too.
What's your take on this, readers? Have you hired household help? What are your feelings about it, or your relationship with the person that you've hired?
12 comments:
All I can say is that I can relate to your questions. They are what have kind of immobilized me and kept me from hiring anyone, but that is becoming unsustainable.
I've been meaning to write about this for some time, but I find it to be so complicated that I don't know where to start.
It is useful, though, to recognize that there is more work to do here, in terms of laundry and cleanliness and all that. Because we managed in Canada (in a messy, chaotic kind of way), but I'm finding it to be a real struggle here.
Changing topics - it is so wonderful that you like Dete so much and that you have such a comfortable relationship with her. You are very lucky.
interesting topic, and I think it is something that is strange for americans, because the relationship is different than ones we would have in the states, even with a cleaner or a nanny there.
I've felt something similar lately in a regards to a private tour guide I had in China for a day. She was friendly and informative, but there was a strange tension I couldn't get a handle on at all.
When I had small kids to raise and my husband was on business trips every week, I hired a teenage girl from around the corner to help me scrub the bathroom and wash dishes. I had to show her what I wanted, and she did a half-hearted job so I felt no compunction about firing her. That was my only experience with household help but I also hired teenagers to accompany me to the pool so that they could sit with a sleeping baby and keep an eye on my older kids while I went for a swim.
Now, perhaps in my case it had to do with the age difference, but perhaps there is a more clear boundary between employer and employee in this situation in the United States. I'm guessing the employee doesn't have the same kind of investment in the family for whom she is working as yours does. And vice versa.
Oh, it sounds like a jelly roll of expat and nanny blues. There are cultural issues that make the relationship rich and complicated. And there's the inevitable friend/employee blur of having a nanny who is also a dear, wonderful person. The boundary is sometimes stretched by the employer, sometimes by the nanny. It's an intimate relationship that exists because of children. Children who inspire our most intense feelings.
We want someone who will be wonderful with children, and that usually means they are wonderful with us, too.
We had a nanny who worked for us in the mornings for about 18 months after our son was born and I returned to work part-time. She was a deeply caring person. At first the boundaries of employee/employer were clear and things went smoothly. When the boundaries shifted into a near-friendship, (inevitably--we both loved the kids and she and I shared many interests and beliefs), our relationship suffered. She and I both unconsciously developed unrealistic expectations of each other (me: that she'd always be reliable; her: that I would support every personal need of hers that affected her work for us.) Those expectations created a conflict and we evetually parted ways. Amicably, but with heartache, too.
Where is the user's guide to having a nanny? Probably with the user's guide to raising a baby.
I love kids. Thanks for sharing great thoughts!!
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For me this also ties in with the issue of having other people care for my children. I am on unpaid maternity leave now, so we cannot afford any household help, but we have employed a childminder in the past to care for our son in her own home while I work. If I could afford a cleaner I would hire one! But paying others to look after (raise?) my kids I find harder - which is why I have no plans at present to resume full-time work. This inevitably impacts on my (lack of a progressing) career. The sacrifices we make....
Thanks for all the interesting perspectives. I do think a lot of it is culturally specific. Christine, I felt the same way about not wanting to leave my kids in someone else's care. Until I had the opportunity to do so, with someone I trust (granted, not full-time, either). I'm sure it's not the way for everyone, but I was surprised by how quickly my preconceptions about what I thought was the "best" way to raise kids crumbled.
I think that's very good point. We've all got things to learn as mothers, from each other. And I think it's good for my kids to experience a different kind of household/mothering too...
Currently living with my mother-in-law and started paying the guy who works here to help with our dogs, in addition to his job here. He is so much a friend, helps with my Portuguese, and tells me about his life (& vice versa), so I often feel super uncomfortable when it comes to correcting his work or sitting idly while he's working hard. Definitely have "American Guilt" but think it's important to have good communication and boundaries, and hopefully it's preparing me to be a better "manager" when we're in our own home. I think it's possible to be "boss" with respect and friendliness, but with friendship is difficult. Good to stumble upon your blog today!
We have had maids and now I have nurses aides for my mom. Never had nannies, since there is a great daycare at the university. I have a good relationship with the nurses, but I garantee that it is easier for us (the boss) to blur the lines into friendship than the help. I don´t think for a minute they forget they are working. Now I don´t mean that they cannot genuinely like and care about the people they work for, but it is a power relationship (they work for me). Did you ever forget your advisor was your advisor, no matter how well you got along?
I used to feel guilty too about watching someone else work, but I feel that as long as you are fair and don´t ask your maid or nanny to do something outrageous, this is mostly an American felt guilt.
I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Your American culture teaches you that we all are equal in the eyes of GOD. Your experiences of volunteering and living in very poor places in the world have made you empathetic to the wants and needs of someone who works for you. Your actions have shown patience, kindness, a fondness, and respect of Dete that many of her ilk would gladly trade places with her to have employers like you and Dan. I've heard a few horror stories of the treatment of house maids in Brazil including rape by a male member of the household that never gets procesecuted because of the social status of the maid.
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