How to say this without raising the hopes of certain interested parties who may be reading?
We have been having doubts lately--not about the rightness of our decision to move to Brazil, but about our ability to stick it out for the full two years of our contract.
We're currently in the middle of yet another adventure in the Brazilian medical system, this time with E. This is after a nearly two-week ordeal with Ju, involving multiple trips to the hospital.
Although we have excellent health insurance, and there are good doctors and hospitals in Salvador, these experiences have made me realize that I still have an underlying feeling of insecurity about the whole system. This is exacerbated by the fact that I find the city itself unnavigable, that we live so far from the center where the medical facilities are, and that we still have yet to find a pediatrician who will see us anytime before March.
It doesn't help that this is after a slew of nights of very little sleep due to toxic varnish that the neighbors are using, fires in the mata behind our house, and the baby crying indignantly for hours whenever we put him down (admittedly, the last is equally likely to happen in the States).
Finally, we've been having doubts about the school. Both E. and R. have been complaining that they don't like it and don't want to go. E. in particular has been having issues, which I intend to post about soon.
But enumerating these difficulties doesn't quite get at the essence of it, the ineffable sense of alienation--the utter exhaustion I can feel having to express myself in my imperfect Portuguese, the claustrophobia of living in a walled community, my fears, both vague and specific, of various forms of pestilence.
And yes, I know living in the U.S. has many downsides, reasons why we moved here to begin with, and yes, the grass is always greener (or whiter, as the case may be in Philadelphia at the moment).
Then again, maybe this experience, for all its beauty and challenges, is allowing us to appreciate what we left behind.
10 comments:
when you are dealing with health issues, the insecurity of not being where you "know" the system is that much worse. My first experiences in Brazil were filled with lots of friends and now I am in a phase were I too feel isolated, seeming to be more in touch with the US than here in Brazil. You need to do what feels best for you and your family and not feel like a quitter if you decide not to continue. However, the beginning of any stint abroad is always the hardest, after the honeymoon is over and the reality of being out of your element ALL THE TIME sets in. If at the end of a year, you still feel this way, perhaps it is better to leave. As they say, "Brazil is not for beginners" and I have a feeling that applies doubly to Salvador (although I have never been there). I hope your kids feel better soon.
Bom dia! I was linked to your blog by a friend who I studied with in Salvador. As someone who has toyed with the idea of moving to Brazil to start my family, I have really enjoyed reading your blog and seeing life in Bahia through your eyes. This post reminds me so much of where I was half-way through my abroad program - I had been in Bahia for around 4 months and the "utter exhaustion" of it all became a little disheartening, despite how apaixonada i was for northeastern brazil. I agree completely with Corinne - that city can really do a number on you! Anyway, thanks so much for sharing your experiences and I hope everything falls in to place for you and your family very soon :)
Corinne and Val,
Thanks both for your responses, and validating how hard it is. Not for beginners, indeed!
I sympathise, and hope it works out for you.
I think Brazil is an extremely frustrating place, a place where doing nothing is so often the easiest option.
A problem for me down here in Florianopolis is not so much mastering the Portuguese, but finding myself unable to sympathise with the Brazillians of my own social class (middle): those that I've met often seem incredibly superficial and dull.
E.,
As someone who has often dreamed about moving abroad, you are expressing my greatest fears. Having a sick child when you yourself feel only slightly more knowledgeable than said child. Navigating hospitals, and medical care in the US with a sick baby is excutiating, I cannot imagine it in another language on top of that.
I think what Corinne said, about not feeling like a quitter is really wise. You have to make a decision based on what makes you feel best as a mother, wife, human being...The decision should be entirely about you.
I hope you guys get some much deserved rest during carnaval. Love to you all.
The health care issue is SO important. There are so many other obstacles that we can shrug our shoulders about and chalk it up to 'part of the experience', even if it's a more permanent move, like in my case. But you can't just shrug your shoulders when you feel like you're not in good hands when the kids get sick.
Maybe in March, when you can finally see a doctor, you will feel better about it all. I hope so! And I hope you're little ones are feeling well.
Interesting observation, TD.
LT and MM, it is scary, even if it's partly irrational, since the hospitals are good. Then again, when it comes to being the parent of a sick kid, rationality is not necessarily one's first response.
Thanks for the supportive words.
Am on the edge of my seat. For mostly selfish reasons. Please keep us posted. Maybe E would be consoled to know that Hamish doesn't like school so much this year either and whenever he's sad he tells us that he misses E. Today in fact he shared the Flat Stanley pic with his class and I got to see since we were there for his delayed v-day party. Whatever you decide is the right choice. What does Dan think?
On an unrelated note, I just received the Vegetarian Myth in the mail today. Can't wait to read! WOuld love to discuss.
the force is with you!
xo
This posting is exactly why I love your blog! There are so many travel blogs that talk only of the good. You are living it and telling about it...the good and the bad. I hope school gets better for your little ones. I also hope they both get to feeling better soon!
Hello! I believe we met once last year at a churrasco. I just discovered your wonderful blog today. I was drawn to the post called "doubts" because that is just what we are feeling! We are a brazilian-american and an american living in Salvador, too. Life can be rough here, no doubt, especially young people with no family here! It helped me to read about your experiences. Maybe we can meet again sometime. We live in Ondina.
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