Not because it's different than the way he behaves with me and Dan, but because it isn't.
Yesterday R. hit Dete on the back with a wooden broom.
She reprimanded him--gently in my opinion, given the severity of the offense--then came to tell me. (I was outside with Ju.)
I spoke to him very sternly, and put him in a time out, then made him apologize to her, and promise he wouldn't do anything like that again.
I often feel like punishments make no impression on him. He doesn't have the maturity to understand long-term punishments or having privileges revoked. Only immediate consequences have any effect at all, and even then, it's only to make him cry, you're being mean! Don't talk angry to me! That's bad behavior!
But when he acts this way with Dete--hitting her, demanding treats, calling her names--it's hard not to see it in the light of the way our kids' classmates behave.
Their drivers drop them off at the gate, and the babás walk behind them, carrying their backpacks.
They speak to the nannies (and other adults, too) like servants. At E.'s soccer practice this week, one boy decided to sit down beside the field and start eating cookies from his lunchbox, completely ignoring both the coach and his babá when they suggested that he go back to play.
It's not so much that I think R. is picking up this attitude at school. (Although there's a disturbing thought.)
It's just that the class circumstances in Brazil are so different that it's hard not to see R.'s acting out through this lens.
Dete is remarkably forgiving about it. Oh, it must be the full moon, she says. Or, he must be tired today.
She's told me stories about how the kids where she worked last would demand their shirts ironed immediately, or their dinner brought to them in front of the TV, or say, you have to do what I tell you. That's why we pay you.
Yuck. Talk about shameful.
I try to tell myself that this is different--R. is much younger, and doesn't know what he's doing.
But when will he figure it out? And how can we help him get there?
6 comments:
I'm Brazilian and it pisses me off how middle-class kids are raised. It's exactly how you said and they will act like this even at school towards their teachers "I pay you salary, so I won't do what you want". A long time ago farmers (the rich people of their time)had slaves, but the culture of having "slaves" still persists.
One of the most interesting things I learned about training dogs is that your job as master is to learn to communicate with your dog. It's not their job to learn to listen. We are, after all, the higher species and better able to learn.
I've tried to apply that lesson to raising sons. And when I've ended up in a ditch behavior-wise with them is to try to figure out what these little, emotionally inarticulate beings are trying to tell me. And when they're behaving way out of character, it could be that he's trying to tell you something that he doesn't have the words for.
It could also be a self-control issue. He might not feel like he has enough control over his situation. Giving him more responsibility (chores, seriously!) might make him feel more in control. Especially if you're doing the chores together.
Another idea that worked for Henry was teaching him yoga. But his problem was unrestrained exuberance.
Or you could always do as Kinky Friedman advises: Treat children like adults and adults like children.
In any case, good luck. You'll be fine.
Could he be acting out this way with her, like he does with you, because he is close enough to her, safe enough with her, to do so?
I know you are really conscious of the class issues that run through your relationship, but perhaps for the little guy it is a more simple and age-appropriate, limit-testing kind of thing. Despite the entitlement he observes at school, he probably still learns much more about who Dete is and how it is appropriate to treat her from seeing her interact with you in your family. At least I like to hope so.
And...I am currently also pulling my hair out over the little impression that apologizing and 'talking it over' seem to make on my little guy. And I am at a loss for appropriate alternatives.
Fabio, it's true, and pretty disturbing to witness.
But, MM, I agree, I don't think that's where R. is getting it. Just a convergence of the two phenomena that got me thinking.
Jason, thanks for the dog training analogy. Something to think about. It does seem like a classic cry for attention--typical middle child stuff. And we try to spend one-on-one R. time every day. But there's only so much time in a day, with three kids!
Chores...hmmm. Not a bad idea.
I can't speak to the cultural or class issues at hand, but I do think it's imperative that little boys learn at an early age that they cannot, and must not, mistreat girls or women. I remember a little boy in my childhood neighborhood who consistently talked down to his mother. My mom said about his mother, "She is teaching him to be a male chauvinist pig." Her comment made a lasting impression on me. When my son, 4, raises his hand to me, I dispassionately take him straight to time-out. He knows that if p, then q. I do try to talk it out with him afterwards and get to the bottom of his feelings. But for me, the first message must be that physically violating women will not be tolerated.
Whitney, at least in R.'s case I don't believe it's gender-specific. He's at least as likely to lash out physically against Dan as against me and Dete. I wonder if what you're talking about isn't a function of kids spending overwhelmingly more time with female caregivers. Not that that makes it ok.
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